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Fetal Burial Rights, Child and Pregnancy Loss Support
AdamsSong.net's Living Grief!
A Warning to those who have recently experienced a loss: If you are too early in your grieving process, this page may do more harm than good. Guard yourself against fixating on the negative and take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in what you are feeling. We further suggest a support group online or otherwise.
Life goes on after a miscarriage, but it may forever divide itself into before and after for those who have experienced a pregnancy loss. It is not our intention to provide in this document answers or to try to explain all the types of grief that may be experienced.
Here are some of the examples of grief we've seen and experienced:
One of the most common for men and women alike in this process is the tendency to blame themselves for the loss.
It may be based on the belief that something they did caused the miscarriage. It may be general or action related (A bit of wine before the pregnancy was realized, that extra cup of coffee, a thought even in passing that the pregnancy was unwanted or unprepared for) or may take on an uglier more personal note (The baby didn't want me, I'm not a good enough person, God didn't want me to have the baby). It may be based on something they feel wasn't done "If only I could have...".
Anger is common. A close relation to this is the jealousy that comes when seeing someone else pregnant and/or fussing over their baby in some way. Adding to the confusion this brings, is a natural tendency to feel even more shame for feeling this way about others. Others may in turn lash out at any expression or lack of enthusiasm the woman feels towards their baby, adding to the grief of this mother who does not have her child.
People naturally feel more comfortable talking about birth than death and so a mother and father who has lost their child is bombarded with news of baby showers etc. and given virtually no outlet for the discussion of their loss.
Isolation is very nearly a universally defining characteristic of this type of loss.
There may be a change in how a woman views her body. Any blame, fascination (morbid or otherwise), grief, anger may be aimed directly at her body both consciously and without intent. Combined with the reaction of her body to the loss (hormone imbalances, etc), it can manifest itself in many ways. Some of those ways can include eating disorders, insomnia, depression, and physical pain of unknown origin. She may have a feeling of separation from her own body and have trouble relating to it the way she used to.
A seemingly unreported phenomenon also happens in the process of grief. Job loss is not an uncommon story for those who have lost their child. The obvious impact of this is financial disaster, collection type activities and even homelessness. This can be caused by grief or injury or both.
A teenagers grief may be unique for many reasons. She may find herself feeling all of the above, compounded by her age and circumstances. She may actually find those around her celebrating the ending of her pregnancy, even if done in seemingly compassionate ways "You weren't ready for a baby yet". Depending in the circumstances, she may lack the support of her partner and family in her grief.
Holidays and anniversaries naturally amplify and rekindle grief. Mothers and Fathers days come and go often with no recognition for these parents without a child. Few will ask someone who has had a miscarriage/stillbirth if they have had a happy Mothers Day, after all. While not all parents who have experienced a pregnancy loss wish it, some would like some recognition that their child existed on these days, and it is noticeably absent in all but the rarest of cases.
There is hope, but much of the process is very individualized. People want and many times expect the process to be over in weeks or months when in fact it may be years until the parent functions normally again and it is likely they will never be "over it". Patience and a desire to really listen is key to helping a parent who has experienced this loss along their journey.
Disclaimer: These pages are intended to supply general information. We try to insure the accuracy of this information, but cannot guarantee that this information is accurate. Laws change quickly, and the reader should always ensure that legal information of any sort is up-to-date and accurate before relying on it. The reader should never assume that this information applies to his or her specific situation without consulting competent counsel in his or her home state. The information contained within is for informational purposes only. Nothing herein constitutes the provision of legal advice or services.
Adamssong.net and its affiliates do not provide professional psychiatric or psychological counseling, advice or services . Information obtained at this site is not personalized and can in no way be considered treatment or therapy by themselves.
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